Ya know how commercials and ads for “cleansing” products, especially for women, always have those smiling carefree, running through the meadow images?
Yeah, well, that’s just some bullshit.
Okay, so I decided to go on this 30 day cleanse, sort of my own personal “spring cleaning” if you will. Apparently, I should be a special segment on “Hoarders”.
I decided to use a cleanse from GNC – the Super Cleanse (maybe that “super” part should have tipped me off). There was no special diet, although instructions included drinking at least 64 ounces of water every day and limiting all fried foods -which I did. The first week was really not a big deal, I didn’t feel any different and I wasn’t running to the bathroom all the time like I assumed I would, and I lost 3 pounds. I attributed that to the water and elimination of fried foods since I never drink enough water and probably ate more things fried than any other way. So I thought “NO BIGGY!”
Oh but that second week.
Now, I am fortunate. I am fortunate to work for a company that has ceiling to floor doors on all the bathroom stalls. I am also fortunate that there are private bathrooms around the building, with automatic fans and a nice assortment of magazines for your reading pleasure. If you work but do not work in such a building or do not have a month to take off to do this, I would not suggest you offend your employers by going on such a cleanse. No matter what they have done to you, they do not deserve this.
It became clear to me why you need so much water – and 64 ounces was the MINIMUM to drink per the instructions. Being dehydrated was a definite possibility. I also drank Acai Berry Detox Liquid 4 times a day. This was recommended by the smiling cute guy at the GNC. Rat bastard.
Anyway, after 3 weeks, I was 12 pounds lighter!
But the best was yet to come. The colonic.
”you gonna do what now?”
The Midtown Wellness Center – oh what a serene sounding place. You enter to a quaint, new age music playing, waterfalls sounding in the background, mood lighting, place.
You’d never know what goes down in the back.
Now, Its not like I didn’t know what a colonic was – but knowing and actually doing are quite different. Its very interesting to talk to someone who is very very interested in your bowel movements and its not your granny who is simply trying to force feed you some prune juice when you’re 9 years old. It is also very interesting to see the joy on someone’s face as they say “Oh that’s a big one! Nice size!” How does one get into this line of work? I really really don’t want to know.
Now a colonic is not a pleasant experience. You’re basically filled with water – you literally feel like a balloon about to pop, but can’t until its released and all of it comes out along with whatever else is in you that needs to come out – down a tube that you see as it transports its way into the repository that I did not ask where it goes – don’t wanna know. They do this over and over and over (filling you up, gushing you out). After this is complete and you can get dressed – don’t bother too quick. You won’t be leaving that place for another hour. Why? Because you ain’t done. Oh no sirree. You are far from finished. I lived in their nice serene flowery smelling bathroom for 45 minutes. My colonic therapist gave me instructions on what to eat and not eat (I did not need to be told, believe you me) for the rest of the day. And 2 inches off my abdomen later, I was on my way home.
So all in all, I did lose a total of 14 pounds and almost 3 inches off my waistline in 30 days. Not too bad for that torture! Now, its OFF TO THE MALL!