September 2, 2014

POU Weekly Health Thread: The 30 Day Cleanse – My Story

Ya know how commercials and ads for “cleansing” products, especially for women, always have those smiling carefree, running through the meadow images?

Yeah, well, that’s just some bullshit.

Okay, so I decided to go on this 30 day cleanse, sort of my own personal “spring cleaning” if you will.  Apparently, I should be a special segment on “Hoarders”.

I decided to use a cleanse from GNC – the Super Cleanse (maybe that “super” part should have tipped me off). There was no special diet, although instructions included drinking at least 64 ounces of water every day and limiting all fried foods -which I did.  The first week was really not a big deal, I didn’t feel any different and I wasn’t running to the bathroom all the time like I assumed I would, and I lost 3 pounds. I attributed that to the water and elimination of fried foods since I never drink enough water and probably ate more things fried than any other way. So I thought “NO BIGGY!”

Oh but that second week.

Now, I am fortunate. I am fortunate to work for a company that has ceiling to floor doors on all the bathroom stalls. I am also fortunate that there are private bathrooms around the building, with automatic fans and a nice assortment of magazines for your reading pleasure. If you work but do not work in such a building or do not have a month to take off to do this, I would not suggest you offend your employers by going on such a cleanse. No matter what they have done to you, they do not deserve this.

It became clear to me why you need so much water – and 64 ounces was the MINIMUM to drink per the instructions. Being dehydrated was a definite possibility. I also drank Acai Berry Detox Liquid 4 times a day. This was recommended by the smiling cute guy at the GNC. Rat bastard.

Anyway, after 3 weeks, I was 12 pounds lighter!

But the best was yet to come. The colonic.

 “you gonna do what now?”

The Midtown Wellness Center – oh what a serene sounding place. You enter to a quaint, new age music playing, waterfalls sounding in the background, mood lighting, place.

You’d never know what goes down in the back.

Now, Its not like I didn’t know what a colonic was – but knowing and actually doing are quite different. Its very interesting to talk to someone who is very very interested in your bowel movements and its not your granny who is simply trying to force feed you some prune juice when you’re 9 years old. It is also very interesting to see the joy on someone’s face as they say “Oh that’s a big one! Nice size!” How does one get into this line of work?  I really really don’t want to know.

Now a colonic is not a pleasant experience. You’re basically filled with water – you literally feel like a balloon about to pop, but can’t until its released and all of it comes out along with whatever else is in you that needs to come out – down a tube that you see as it transports its way into the repository that I did not ask where it goes – don’t wanna know. They do this over and over and over (filling you up, gushing you out). After this is complete and you can get dressed – don’t bother too quick. You won’t be leaving that place for another hour. Why? Because you ain’t done. Oh no sirree. You are far from finished. I lived in their nice serene flowery smelling bathroom for 45 minutes. My colonic therapist gave me instructions on what to eat and not eat (I did not need to be told, believe you me) for the rest of the day. And 2 inches off my abdomen later, I was on my way home.

So all in all, I did lose a total of 14 pounds and almost 3 inches off my waistline in 30 days. Not too bad for that torture! Now, its OFF TO THE MALL!

 

 

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  • dannie22

    IM GETTING THAT CLEANSE!

  • http://pragmaticobotsunite.blogspot.com/ Sepia

    Lawd hab mercy!

    Would you do it again?

    Do you have to continue the cleanse and colonic to keep the pounds and inches off?

    • Miranda

      For right now, I’m “regular” LOL, and the key is to GET regular and stay that way. According to my mother, I’ve always been a problem child in that area, so I’m guessing I will need a cleanse every 6 months or so. The therapist said that a quarterly colonic until the drudge (I think thats the word she used) comes out is recommended………………the drudge being the hardened waste that is impacted in you. She told me of a guy that was in his 30s and in his “drudge” there were watermelon seeds, and he said he hadn’t eaten a watermelon since he was about 10 years old.

      I shiver to think what would be in mine. UGH!

      • http://pragmaticobotsunite.blogspot.com/ Sepia

        OMG! So that stuff stays in you that long?? And here I thought I was doing the damn thang with my increased fiber intake and S-shaped pooped (tm Dr. Oz).

  • MsKitty

    Shop till you drop, you’ve earned it. And congrats on the weight loss.

    Some of my kin are all about their colonics and have been trying to talk me into one for years. Still on the fence though.

    • Miranda

      I promise you my skin is glowing! LOL – I think I could see clearer too! And maybe sounds were sharper or something, I don’t know but I FELT lighter the rest of the day.

  • http://themidnightsolution.blogspot.com LTMidnight

    I don’t know how much you paid for all of that, but there’s a special tea 9all natural) that does the same effect for you. A pack of 20 for about $8.00.

    • Miranda

      Is that pack of 20 to be used as a pack a day or more than that? I paid $40 – but that was taking these awful horse size pills twice a day (and had to take 3 pills each time). That Acai Berry juice was expensive though (IMO) – over the month I spent $50 to make sure I had enough for each day.

  • Aquagranny911

    WOW! After reading your diary on all this I think I will pass on the 30 day cleanse, however I wonder….

    Maybe Robme could benefit from such a cleanse but if all the caca got flushed out of him there would be nothing left but a pile of dirty clothes, lol.

    I’m glad you feel better & lost weight. Thank you for sharing your experience, even though I say, rather you than me. The story about the guy with 20 year old watermelon seeds in him did give me the cold grue when I think back to how much Bazooka Bubble gum I may have swallowed as a kiddo!

  • GreenLadyHere

    Mirandaaaaaaaa! LOL – - -Seeeeeeee- – LOL. — -BEYOND FUNNY!! – –

    – –Now, I am fortunate. I am fortunate to work for a company that has ceiling to floor doors on all the bathroom stalls. I am also fortunate that there are private bathrooms around the building, with automatic fans and a nice assortment of magazines for your reading pleasure.

    THANK U sooo MUCH 4 sharing. :>)

    PROUD of U – –4 your — –PERSISTENCE! :>)

    – -So all in all, I did lose a total of 14 pounds and almost 3 inches off my waistline in 30 days. — – -NICE JOB —MS FOXY!! :>)

    ENJOY your – -NEW WARDROBE!! :>) – — BLESS U –Miranda. :>)